How Regular Bible Meditation and Study Has Changed My Life.

Hi friend,

A couple years ago, in my walk with the Lord, I had slipped away from a habit of having a regular, meaningful devotional time. Instead of my Bible I grabbed my phone. Instead of getting up, I hit snooze and snuggled back into bed. And I didn’t even really realize I was doing (or not doing), until anxiety, depression, insecurity came creeping back in.

There was a sense of being wound up tighter and tighter inside and suddenly snapping, at my mom, at my sisters, at myself, and even (this one hurts a bit to admit) at God.

I have a memory of lying on my bed about 11:30 at night, angry tears running down my face, whispering,” God, I try SO HARD and nothing goes right! I feel like a shattered ball of glass that keeps breaking into even tinier pieces! I can’t even think straight, I can’t sleep, I can’t figure this out!”

I tried to look in my Bible for help. Frantically, frustratedly, flipping through and skimming portions. But nothing was for me, it felt ALL wrong! All I felt was frustration, a numb sort of pain, and an ANGER that surprised and scared me.

I couldn’t think of any specific sin that I needed to confess or make right. All I knew was I was weighed down by this not-nameable guilt and hopelessness whirling around inside of me. I ended up throwing my Bible across the room on the floor (it still has a dent on the cover), feeling utterly defeated and crying myself to sleep.

So, when I tell you I haven’t always had a wonderful relationship with God’s Word, I’m not just saying it. Because I know how hard it can be, I want you to know that there is hope!

You don’t have to stay stuck in the wishing, or the do-it-better mindset. I want to invite you into a desire and relationship that satisfies the deepest part of your being. A relationship with your Heavenly Father, through His Word, that will change your heart and life, as it did mine.

So, what changed from me throwing my Bible across the room to easily spending an hour studying and meditating on a passage of Scripture?

Well, when I woke up a few hours later, I ashamedly, and tearfully, picked that Bible up off the floor.

I told God I didn’t have the desire or the energy to even read His Word, let alone deeply WANT to do so. I told Him I was mad at myself for this situation that I couldn’t fix. I was mad that He hadn’t kept me from spiraling this far. And I was scared that this was my new normal.

So I knelt down beside my bed, imagining that I was laying my head in His lap, and I listened. I didn’t know what I was listening for. All knew was that what I had been doing before wasn’t working and I wanted to be still, if not my mind, at least my body.

I don’t know how long I stayed there, but slowly a peace came over me. I sensed God’s presence and I knew He understood even if I didn’t. I asked Him to give me a desire for Him and His Word, and He did. Of course it wasn’t instantaneous. But over the next few weeks, He brought me to actually wake up and WANT to dig into my Bible.

It was totally Him (He used that prayer to eventually bring me to start this blog which was another surrender struggle that I write about in this post).

James actually talks about asking God to fill our deficiencies.

But if anyone is deficient in wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without reprimand, and it will be given to him.

James 1:5

Imagine… the God of the universe, holy and just, will just give us wisdom if we just ask! And not just give it to us, but generously and without getting upset!

That realization changed how I viewed Scripture, and God. He isn’t looking for a reason to get mad at us or scold us. He actually wants us to go to Him when we just haven’t got a clue as to what to do.

Not just then but all the time. He wants to have a relationship with us.

Listen to these verses in Galatians…

But when the appropriate time had come, God sent out his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we may be adopted as sons with full rights. And because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, who calls “Abba! Father!” So, you are no longer a slave but a son, and if you are a son, then you are also an heir through God.”

‭‭Galatians‬ ‭4‬:‭4‬-‭7

Sit with that for a moment.

Isn’t that absolutely incredible? God sent Jesus to redeem us to be His Children, no longer just servants! So much so, that we can now cry out “Daddy!” in our hearts toward Him. I mean, you can say it out loud too…

It’s also smoothed me. What I mean by that is this. Most mornings I wake up and I struggle with having energy or motivation to do anything even remotely productive. And that makes me feel bad about myself, so the rough and cutting parts of me show up. As a result, usually even before I get out of bed, I’m reaching for the Word of God.

Not because I need to feel better about myself, but rather, because I NEED to fill my mind with truth, and be reminded of God’s love toward me, and of His power working inside my very soul.

To be perfectly honest, I’m not a very nice person to be around until I’ve spent time with the Lord. Some mornings that looks like 10 mins reading a devotional, scribbling a couple sentences in my journal, and thanking God for the day.

Thankfully, in my season of life right now, most mornings are more like half-an-hour or so, reading a chapter of Scripture, journaling what really stood out, and praying over what and who He brings to mind. I’m so grateful to God for these mornings, because I know that more and more I won’t have those opportunities as easily.

As easily… it really is based on what I prioritize and accept into my life. It feels like a luxury to spend so much time with God at the start of the day. But if I look at it like that, there is a real danger of pushing it further and further back until I’m running on fumes.

Not living out of God’s grace and more out of desperation and chaos. He certainly isn’t glorified when chaos is the normal. But more than that, it hurts Him because He NEVER created us for disorder or franticness. He hurts because we hurt.

Those paragraphs felt hard to write… maybe because so often I am living out of chaos, at least mentally, and in constant stress (I regularly, 5-10 times a day, have to remind myself to drop my shoulders, and down they go, about an inch. Gulp.). But the truth is the truth regardless if I personally live all my ideals out to perfection. Which is impossible.

But we’re still called to walk as Jesus did and does. We’re called to be pilgrims not perfectionists.

Think about this statement: I am set free from sin to live like Jesus.

That idea comes from Romans 12.

Therefore I exhort you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a sacrifice–alive, holy, and pleasing to God-which is your reasonable service. Do not be conformed to this present world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may test and prove what is the will of God-what is good, and well-pleasing and perfect. For by the grace given to me I say everyone of you ought not to think more highly of yourself than you ought to think, but to think with sober discernment, as God has distributed to each of you a measure of faith.

Romans 12:1-2

Hebrews 2 also has something to say about this subject of living like Jesus. Especially verses 1-4. But… I’m going to let you do some of your own mining. Go get in the Word! Don’t content yourself with the desire, and not the action, to walk with God more intimately.

He’s never turned me away. He won’t turn you away. Trust God, He promises (and fulfills!) joy and peace and goodness beyond what you can possibly imagine. It’s much better than YouTube or a fictional novel…

Let me know what happens. I’d love to hear how God has changed your heart and life through His Word!

-Liz-